I've always been a larger than life girl. Even since I was little. I remember during gymnastics in elementary school the coach would let me hold the stop watch because I was too big for him to pick up. I've always been called names and poked at, made fun of, the list goes on. I know I'm not alone in this battle. Everyone has some memory they are not too fond of recalling. Some of you will start to weep reading this issue remembering your own pain. But, that is a good thing! Once you've admitted to yourself that you are over weight and you allow yourself to feel the pain, you can begin your own voyage to good health. It's full of hard times and obstacles but you're not alone. We are all here for you.
I know I hate myself naked. I see tons of imperfections, including to what I refer to as my kangaroo pouch. I have more rolls than a bakers dozen and thunder thighs from hell. I also have cankles and imperfect skin. Even though God has blessed me in the front, he did not seem fit to grant me those blessings in the back. But, even with all this said, and I still LOATHE those parts about my body, I am still a beautiful person. Beauty isn't about size, how big or small you are, it's about taking care of yourself and being a genuinely good person. This whole weight loss thing isn't about being sexy, getting a man and up staging the mean girls next door. I have all that already, it's about being HEALTHY. That's MY goal.
I've been that scare, embarrassed little fat girl for so long, ashamed to go out and thinking I'm not good enough for anyone that I refuse to be that anymore. Mentally I've addressed that moved on. I'm not facing the bigger issues and trying to figure out why I eat.
FOOD ADDICTION
It's a scary, very real thing. In some cases people would venture to say it's the hardest addiction to over come. You can walk away and survive from cocaine addiction, but you need food to live. How do you keep yourself nourished without over indulging? What is it that I'm addicted to? Why and how did I start this habit? I don't have those answers, and my guess is neither do you but I know you know what I am talking about. Seeing that Reese peanut butter cup laying all lonesome on the counter, no one there to claim it - it has to be mine. I have to have the last piece of cake. I need to have that steak and cheese sub and yes the mayonnaise is crucial. Why? It's so not healthy. Millions face the same dilemma every day. I found that after about a week of mentally preparing myself and not letting myself go without those things but instead having a bit and not the whole cake, I've been dealing with it a lot better. It's a long hard road ahead of me, but I know that this too, shall pass. I need control of my life, I need to handle this and this is nobody's fault but my own now. The support of family and friends is a true moral compass that keeps me grounded, steadfast and headstrong. It's a physical addiction and a mental addiction - but remember in the end it's all mind over matter. The slight euphoric feeling you get from the milliseconds of the macaroni and cheese is nothing compare to the feeling you get from saying NO! A trip to the gym with a good sweat going on is a much better feeling than any piece of molten chocolate cake can give me. It's an achievement and your whole body feels good, not just your tongue.
It's More Than Just Addiction - It's Boredom.
There's several reasons people have horrible eating habits. A big one of mine is boredom. If I have nothing to do it's no big deal to pop a bag of Orville Reddenbachers and thrown in a movie and be sedentary for three hours, mindlessly popping one kernel after another in my mouth. When I am at work, it's the same thing. Not to mention all the home made delicacies that litter the tables and desks of others who love to share and share alike. Lately I've found myself trying to keep myself busy. I'll draw, or dance or find something to do outside and not be home and motionless, feeling the pounds of dormant flesh multiply on itself. I'm finding my substitutes for my boredom habits. It's a commonality on young America today.People, such as myself are used to be over stimulated and when we don't know what to do with ourself, consumption, consumption, consumption.
So - step one- put down the donut.
Step two - find out who you are without food.
Now - this is my journey, my battle and my health is my responsibility. I hope this helps you as much as this thinking out loud helps me
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